WAKA PASS GARI by Kole Omotosho
PROF KOLE OMOTOSO releases his works to mark the World Book Day. Here is it:
WAKA PASS GARI
By Kole Omotoso
I just dey waka my going one afternoon like this. He don pass noon patapata, na true after noon. The sun dey shine like say na last day be dis when the sun go shine and thereafter he no go shine again. As from today go, make everybody know say, after today o, sun no go shine. Which means the sun hothot. Person no sabi waka inside this sun. But me, as I tell at the beginning, I just dey waka as if I get aircon around me that after noon.
This predictive algorithm dey tell me say na afternoon, that is oneword. I tell am say na two words like this. This algorithm no fit speak pidgin, he dey tell me how I go write pidgin. No mind am jo o.
Where we dey? I mean where we dey for story. We dey for road and I dey waka for after noon. The sun like nobody’s business and there I was, dey waka as if I get aircon around me.
Make I tell you truetrue, I get aircon around me. From the day I born I dey like I get aircon around me. Go ask my Mama. She go tell you say na true her baby, Bankole Oyinbo Alawodudu Bankolemi, na truetrue he day talk. But if you go nownow to go ask my Mama how you go hear my story? Make we leave that one for another day.
That after noon was the first day when Government announce say make nobody waka for road. Nobody who him Mama born well stay at home, make he no carry Coronavirus go meet somebody else. That was the first day. The police day for town. Army self dey for street. Dem they vex as if them be owner of command which say make man bikin no parambulate for town. Police and their senior brother Army dey vex, dem they say if they catch anybody anyhow dey waka for road dem go thrash am sotey him Mama no go know am. Government no be fool. Government in its wisdom say make man, woman and small bikin make dem no waka for road without reason, without cause. And me I get reason as I dey waka go I get cause. But police no sabi reason, Army no know cause. When police see me dey waka for road without reason, and Army gaani me dey parambulate for town, the two of them vex together, dey follow me. Dem get reason, to vex but me too I get reason and I get cause for to be on the road. But they no ask why I dey for road when Government say make I stay at home dey play with pikin of my pikin, that is my grandpikin. I tell my matter dey pass make I dey play with pikin as I dey so. But dey no listen, na slap they wan to dey slap me. So, the soldier, his hand dey go my left ear, my left reach my ear before his hand reach my ear, I push him hand away. The police nko, im right hand they go my right ear, my right hand reach my right ear before im hand reach my ear, I push im hand away. Soldier dey look police, police dey gaze at soldier, both dey lookoogaze dey watch me. Wetin dey do this one, the soldier asked the police? Abi this one sick self, the police replied the soldier. Both of them asked me: Abi something dey worry you? Nothing dey bother me, make I show dem say me I sabi English reach England, you know say soldier and police dey fear for person wey sabi knack English pass. So, you no want make we slap you? I tell dem say I pay big money for learn judo. I learn especially make soldier, make police no slap me. Na true you tell o, we no fit slap you. Make we try again. And again they no fit. My left hand reach my left ear before the left hand of the soldier reach my left ear. Then the police no fit slap my right ear. So, the Army say make police leave my face alone make the two of them do what Ghana people dey call two-man-talk.
So, dem leff me alone go do their conference. Two minutes they still talk. Five minutes nko? Na talk dem they speak. I come think say if I do thief dey do for Nigeria when police dey do Conference, I for done do metatlone finish by now. I wait for them. If na be the subject of them conference dem go report back to me, abi. As I think, na so him be. When they came back they whisper to me after they look at the people wey done gather dey come lookoo cinema nollywood. Make dem no hear what they want tell me. You know what? They ask me. Me, I tell them how I go know what when you no tell me what is. We want learn your ear judo. We like am very well. I look them from one face to the other face. To learn am e dey cost o, me I done begin dey think how I go make money from this ear judo which I take plenty money learn. The learning cost, my brothers. Na to eat steak dey make man call cow second cousin! Money no be problem. Army get money. Police get money. Soldier and police together get plenty money. Come make we go tell our Oga. Na im go sign the contract for you to teach Army and police ear judo. Wait people wait small. You know why I dey waka for street so, when Government say make we siidown for house? Na my doctor I dey go see. You no fit see am tomorrow? Or day after tomorrow? Na money we dey talk, he rubbed his thumb with his fore finger as money people dey do when they speak of billions of money. So, for me the matter na between life and livelihood. Is either my life or my livelihood! Life na long time, livelihood na nownow. So, na nownow I go go. Oya make we dey go meet your Oga patapata.
The people wey come watch cinema dey disappointed because dey no see soldier put bulala for the bottom of civilian. Dem they vex go home. Me and my business friends climb into
Potche SUV. Driver put am for gear and we dey go helele just like that.
eNd
Professor Kole Omotoso was the second President of the Association of Nigerian Authors
